Becoming Me

The Passion Of Man

(7-28-03)

I physically can't
Cry anymore.
Oh yeah,
Last night I managed to squeeze out
One tear
While watching an incredibly sad movie.
The first since science
Took over my brain.
I have wanted
To cry.
To release.
To let go but
The neurons don't fire that way
Anymore.
They are blocked.
Some kind of freakish,
Sociopathic thing
I have become.
I still feel,
But can no longer act on
Those feelings.
I smile a lot.
I smile at inappropriate times.
I smile when things are
No longer funny.
I even smile when I am thinking
Very dark thoughts.
I slap myself.
I pound my head.
As if something wrong might get
Knocked into its
Proper place.
I claw my flesh,
Smiling all the while.
I don't feel
Changed.
I don't feel
Unusual.
I don't feel
Sad anymore,
Even when I want to,
Need to.
I feel horribly,
Horribly balanced.
I don't feel.
Yet every morning
I take that pill.
Doctors don't lie.
They must know
More than I.
There is no
Drama in my life.
Should I be
Happy about that?
Doesn't matter one way or
Another.
I will still smile
At you.
And everything I know
I truly feel
Is tucked away in some
Locked box
That I don't have
The code for.
Apathy is the way of
The wicked.
State sanctioned destruction of
The passion of man.